[I created this guide on the SGS CSS forums yonks back in 2003/4 dunno i forget... but i think it still applies with the caliber of players around so here goes.... REVIVED]
HOW TO LOOSE A LOSER
Have u just had a bad day at work, and you cant wait to have a good game of CS ?
But then your day gets worse when the server is full of l337 CS kiddies, that annoy you even more ?
Have u ever imagined wot it must feel like to throttle the every last breath of a 16 year old, because puberty all of a sudden became a airborn disease.
WELL HAVE NO FEAR !!!
Just use my easy to follow guide called " HOW TO LOOSE A LOSER "
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RULE #1
A l337 CS KIDDIE IS ALWAYS RIGHT!
No matter wot the situation is, agree with him/her. If they say:
" OMW LUCK "
Then for example you reply:
" You know u absolutely right there is no way i could have pull off that head shot, i must apologise for my extensive use of luck. Please dont accuse me of cheating, i am not worthy. "
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RULE #2.
NEVER CAMP !
Never stay hidden in dark areas of the map u are playing in. That is just plain bad taboo and will cause endless bitching and high pitched moaning. If u move around the map never walk always run so that your footsteps are easily heard. If u suprise one of them, make sure u shoot a warning shot as to get their attention then comense firing. And if u still manage to kill by means of a headshot then refer to the latter of RULE #1
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RULE #3
DONT OVER USE THE AWP!
This is a tricky one to follow but with practise you'll be sleeping comfortably at the end of that night in no time. Remember that l337 CS kiddies dont like to be helplessly picked off at distance expecially when they dont have a AWP themselves. Always move around the map whilest in scoped view to handicap your field of vision so they can suprise u from a wider angle and always try to aim for the legs as to do the least amount of damage possable. That way ull be giving them a chance to recover. Try to use the AWP only once every map to make sure u dont get accused in being a "CAMPING AWPER". Yes i know sniping involves very little movement in one position but lets not forget RULE #1.
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RULE #4
PATRONISE YOUR KIDDIE!
If and when your l337 CS KIDDIE is able to frag u in any way at all, always patronise your KIDDIE with glorious remarks as to gain tempory peace for the rest of the map played. Use these remarks if u are having trouble, these have been known to work like a charm:
1. Omw what an awesome shot.
2. I want to have your children.
3. U play for eVo dont u.
4. Wasnt your nick Heaton once.
5. I am not worthy to be in your presense i beg u to let me play till the end of the map ?
6. I am but the Toe Jam between your mighty feet !
7. U are a GOD !
8. Will someone please let me change sides I want to be on his side ?
9. Wow u make me wanna cheat to be able to know how it feels.
10. I can not fathom the gift only a master like you has aquired.
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RULE #5
NEVER KNIFE A KIDDIE !
Such embarresing moments only causes rage to build up inside of l337 CS KIDDIES. Such rage that u will never hear the last of it, and you will have attained a CS KIDDIE nemisis for all eternity.
I have more rulz but little time to add them. If u have any remarks please feel free to do so... And further ideas will be most welcome. This guide is to be continued...
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Rule # 6:
ALWAYS PLANT/DEFUSE THE BOMB, NO MATTER WOT!
CS KIDDIES like to camp, yes i know rule #2, but that does not apply to the CS KIDDIE as they "never camp", if you struggling with this just remember rule #1. Back to rule #6 always defuse/plant the bomb especially when you are outnumbered and on low HP. They most effective way to defuse/plant a bomb, noted by a recent local CS KIDDIE "What p!#$es me off the most" survey, is to first throw a smoke grenade in the bombsite as to make your presense known and to give the CS Kiddie time to align his well camped position to best suite his near future spraying cone. Always shoot a warning shot (as refered to in the guidelines of rule #2). And make a bee line to the bombsite and plant/defuse.
To summarise the steps:
Step 1: Throw smoke grenade.
Step 2: Warning shot.
Step 3: Bee line to the plant/defuse
See easy.
Remember you can always add a 4th step and add in a rule #4 for some flavour when you get pwned.
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Rule #7
NEVER EVER HAVE MORE POINTS THAN A KIDDIE!
This is almost as taboo as knifing a CS KIDDIE, seeing points drained from their hard earned work only infuses more rage and b1#ching and moaning will soon ensue. To assure temporary peace make sure you align your head for in coming CS KIDDIE sprays so to assist them in your demise and present them with a 25 point gift. Remember this is temporary so make sure you throw in a rule #4, it will help.
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Rule #8
DONT SHOOT THROUGH WALLS/BOXES/DOORS. ARE YOU INSANE!
Now its rumoured that all CS KIDDIES unfortunately have the "Ostrich syndrome" Its is believed that if the CS KIDDIE cant see you, you cant see them. Therefore prempting fire through doors/walls/boxes etc will only have CS KIDDIES engaging in what i like to call "epileptic "OMGWTF!!!" seisures. This involves an abundant cursing/b!2ching/moaning and apparently foaming/drool around the mouth. Please refrain from this action if you wish to passify your KIDDIE for the remainder of your session.
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Rule #9
TAKE IT LIKE A HACKER !
Being accused of hacking is a common experience when engaged with your typical l337 KIDDIE. Yes i know a skilled individual can create an illusion of being a hacker because, well your are SKILLED, but remember rule#1. If and when accused you can use any from the below list of responses thats been known to confuse a KIDDIE:
1. "OMG im so sorry, my bro played last night and forgot to turn em off soz"
2. "I was attacked by a worm/trojan that makes my CS skills l337 like you and i cant clean it"
3. "I'm part of an admin controlled experiment testing hacks, honest"
4. "This was supposed to be a mod to change my gun models into Angelina Jolie legs shooting toe nails, not an aimbot, honest!"
5. "I thought this was the hackers ownly server, omw my bad!"
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RULE #10
KNOW YOUR KIDDIE!
Now when you join the server for the first time that day, its imperative that you sass out the server, cus if you start rolling the frags without a good look you'll have your very own KIDDIE NEMISIS in no time. You should be able to pick out the easy ones but remember not all CS KIDDIES are nessassarilly verbal at first. So here are some easy tips to follow:
1. Check the player nicks. Yes the nick, if you see a dude with a nick like SilverWing, 10-2-1 he is ok. If its something like OMGWTFWALLHACKSZOR!@#! that’s your KIDDIE start immediately with rule #4.
2. If you see a dude spray the ground after every kill/reload like a mental, that's your KIDDIE! Show him your pip for a 25 point freebee, and add a rule #4 for good measure.
3. If some dude tunes you "nice defuse" while you have 20 seconds left on the clock, 5% health, a glock, hiding in the ditch whilst he is sitting on the bomb like he just laid a golden egg, with 100% health, an AK and 5 teamies shouting "MARCO!". That’s your KIDDIE!
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Rule # 11
UNDERSTAND THE EVOLUTION OF CONTROKIDIULUM COMMONLY KNOWN AS CS KIDDIE!
Now most of you need to know that some CS KIDDIES were actually just a normal kids once, no really, honest. I know its hard to believe but some were kinda decent kids with a healthy gaming life, while others where not as fortunate as they were spawns of degenerate upbringings overdosed with social IQs equivalent of a piece of cheese. But those are the minority and are well beyond saving i assure you. That being said, the metamorphis of controkidiulum (CS KIDDIE) is contributed by a many few things:
1. CS skill level equal to that of a piece of toast.
2. Too much DOTA
3. Burning too many ants burned under a magnifing glass with hysterical high pitched laughing.
4. Over consumption of mayo marmite samwiches quenched with a redbull and OROS mix.
5. Too much DOTA
6. Orgasmic reactions to the spongbob squarepants theme song.
7. 2 - 3 hours of constant youtube viewing of videos CSS 5 man ACE headshot kills in faked CSS clannies.
8. Too much DOTA
9. The misunderstanding that real life applies to CSS
and the big one # 10. Brainwashed by other CS KIDDIES to think that CSS should be taken seriously.
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Now im pretty sure youre all thinking, got the rules im good to go? Wrong! Its only the begining. Let me explain with...
Rule # 12
WATCH OUT FOR THE Dowsyncontrokidiulum or commonly known as the DOWN SYNDROME CS KIDDIE!
"What the hell is a DOWN SYNDROME CS KIDDIE?" you say. Let me explain my Padawan. Everything i've shown you is basically directed towards a typical CS KIDDIE and all the above rules still apply as per normal except for A DOWN SYNDROME CS KIDDIE as he/she is a much more dangerous KIDDIE. You see the reason the DOWN SYNDROME CS KIDDIE is so formidable, is that its immune to verbal comunication and ... well ... logic. You see rule #1 doesnt apply since the DOWN SYNDROME CS KIDDIE never communicates in clear sentences which only leads to your confusion as to what the hell its trying to say. This includes a very important rule and that is rule #4 as the DOWN SYNDROME CS KIDDIE cant not understand your clever patronising retorts as well. You can easily distinguish the DOWN SYNDROME CS KIDDIE by his actions which are usually involve TK's, spawn smoking/flashing/nading, low damage teamy knifing, playing hide and seek with the bombs by hiding them in irrecoverable spots like cars/boxes etc.
Unfortunately there is very little you can do to the DOWN SYNDROME CS KIDDIE that does not involve breaking any form of ROE,dont waist any energy since we have capable admins that will be delighted in toasting a DOWN SYNDROME CS KIDDIE with a ban or 2.
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